My Book of Freedom

Written October 2021 By Naomi Horton, guest writer

I was in an awful and abusive relationship. None of my family and friends approved of it. They always told me that he was not good for me and he would drag my life downhill. My mom would sit me down at our polished dining room table with ice-cold water and plead with me to come back home. Every time, I felt the need to shrug her off because I loved him, at least I kept telling myself. Each time I pushed my mom’s words away, it reminded me of the truth I refused to confront. I was in a very toxic environment that I was in with him. I was sad and angry for many reasons, And I had let go of so many rules and morals for him. I used to be a youth group leader, healthy, outgoing, and organized, but that’s not how the world looked for me anymore. The culture of our apartment was unsalvageable as it seemed to mirror the relationship we had. Piles of random belongings sat in every square foot, and a designated mountain of trash sat next to the reeking kitchen. When he wanted the place cleaned up, it was just me tidying it up and him lurking on the couch with advantage written in his eyes. He had made all these different promises on trips we would go on and dates that would just linger in dying excitement. He was a liar, abuser, and cheater, and it was time for me to move on.

The day we met felt like another ordinary 10th-grade day for me. We were both going to our church’s youth group. The lukewarm air smelled like freshly grown flowers surrounding the church’s premises, and the leaves were just beginning to sprout tiny green leaves. When we met, my friend wanted to show me a guy she was interested in. She pointed him out from across the loud hallway filled with excited students, waiting at the youth room door ready to play games and sing their hearts out to worship. He made his way over to her, but her friend distracted her, greeting her with hugs and excitement. For a moment, he and I stood there like statues until he introduced himself to me. We hit it off great and kept sneaking in conversation during the entire service. After the message was over, we continued to talk outside in the dying sunlight. At this point, he was quick to open up about his past abuse and relationships. I felt strongly empathetic towards him. How could such a charming, bright guy go through that much for being so young? When it was time to go, we exchanged phone numbers and continued our conversation over text. I opened up to him too, which had no comparison to his tragic story. I never felt more ordinary in my life at that point. Some time went by, and after a few days of talking over the phone, he asked me out. Longing for love, I said yes. Little did I know that yes would trail into three long years of heartache and pain.

I was so desperate to get out of the relationship. I felt hopeless. Each day that passed, I became angrier and angrier with myself that I kept allowing time to pass by. I let down my family, friends, and even my beloved cat Braiden for not being his cuddle buddy at night.

I went to my youth pastor because I wanted to know if I was still allowed on the youth leadership team or not. With a deep sigh, she informed me I could not serve on the team and needed to work on myself. I felt sentenced to a life full of abuse and regret. Tears streamed down my face. What she meant was until I broke up with him and moved out of his place. I didn’t blame her. I wanted out too. It was hard to relax back on the soft fake fur beanbag chair, even with the humidifier spitting out soothing peppermint fumes on the corner shelf. I stared down at the floral church carpet zoned out with tears covering my face. I felt embarrassed and as if I had let down everyone close to me. I knew I wanted to leave him too. I was desperate to, but I loved him, and that’s what sucked. My focus zoomed back in on the book my pastor had given me. I wiped my tears away on my warm, cotton sleeves, now covered in smeared mascara, and took the soft-covered book from her hands. The cover has a tattooed-like picture of a heart with a dove flying across the middle trailing a golden ribbon with the bold red font, Swipe Right, by Levi Lusko. Little did I know, this book would save my future, my life.

The book Swipe Right is filled with examples of many happy relationships and lives that I hoped could be my own. My heart burned with inspiration, and it assisted me in looking at my relationship. I realized my relationship was genuinely abusive, depowering, and he was someone I did not want to commit my life to anymore. Reading this book also made me painfully realize I had no love for him because, in the book, the author describes his marriage and what a healthy relationship looks like. In the author’s eyes, relationships are not constant screaming matches or controlling in any situation. They’re supposed to be full of love, 50/50, and decisions that are made are supposed to be equally agreed on. I found myself in awe and jealousy. As I read, I became more and more eager to turn each page.

I may have taken away so much from the book, but my eyes and cheeks never remained dry while reading it. My relationship looked nothing like anyone else’s. I had no love for him in a very long time. Part of me still wondered if I could fix him. But each time I found hope that maybe I could help heal him, my heart split in two, reminding myself I couldn’t help him. I always tried to help him by talking about his faith, suggesting talking with counselors, etc. Nothing ever seemed to work out. It was hopeless.

After taking 11 weeks to read and learn the message in this book, more pain began to set in. As I compared my relationship to all the book’s teachings, I felt influenced. I put my foot down, demanding to myself, I am finally getting out of that unceasing relationship. I finally decided to move back in with my family. The minute I told my mom I wanted to come back home, I felt immense relief as if I had felt a raindrop in the middle of a California drought. Impassioned that same evening, I quickly but cautiously drove my way back to his apartment and finally poured out my bruised heart to him. It felt as if I had bricks stuck in my lungs that I could finally spit out. His vicious protest did not affect me as I gathered my things. It sounded just as pathetic when he used to yell at me like that before. “No! Do not fucking hang up on me!” He used to say on the phone with deep breaths of anger. Or “You're such a spoiled little brat,” said with fake laughter mixed in his words. Those words affected me back then, but they don’t affect me now. After shoving all my belongings into the trunk of my car, I finally took my car through the windy neighborhood roads for the very last time. I was so exhilarated to be back home and be back with my family into their loving, open arms, hearing them tell me with eyes full of tears how proud they were of me.

It was a massive wave of peace in my life knowing I’m out of the storm, and I have other opportunities in front of me now for a better life and a better relationship to come.

Although I may have gone through an ocean of pain and heartache through my last relationship, I can’t take myself to regret going through it because I had no idea how one little 200-page book could change the course of my life. I was walking through the bushes and stumbling over large boulders instead of taking the clear path. I am immensely grateful for receiving Swipe Right and becoming who I am today. I have a great family relationship, I’m back on the leadership team, and I just passed my six-month anniversary with the absolute love of my life, all because of the great experience I had with My Book of Freedom