My Confession

Last night, we hit a big snag in selling our home. I thought that we were going to lose everything. I thought that we wouldn't be able to sell our house and we wouldn't be able to buy our new home. We have a mortgage payment coming up, I thought I would now have to make that payment. I had a huge panic attack. I freaked out and I went into a deep depression. Instead of going to God and loving my husband, I pushed him away, even though he was hurting also and I didn't pray, I panicked. In the morning hours, I cried many tears, knelt and prayed.
When things don't go according to plan, I panic. I push my loved ones away. I don't want to be loved by them, I want things to be made right first and then I will love. When I pray to God, I am hopeful that he will listen to my prayer and the similar payers that follow in case he didn't hear the first one. I hope that he will answer them in the way that I asked. But, sometimes he does say no. Sometimes it is a yes, but I just don't fully trust that his way of doing things is the best way, so I try to help.
I need to learn to fully 100% trust in God and his plans and let him take care of everything.
I need to learn that my family needs my love all the time, even when I don't feel like giving them it.
This song represents where I want to be with my relationship with God. Trusting and loving fully even during the silence, pain and sorrow.

I Believe In Love lyrics

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhRlW6A1gk