This is in reponse to my daughter's post, "My book of Freedom." Her story of how she got out of an abusive relationship. You can read that on my blog or here:
https://heavenlystrength.blogspot.com/2024/03/my-book-of-freedom.html
There is not one part of me that wants to write this post. It brings back way too many sad memories. I have held off writing this for about two years. But it's important because there are quite a few parents whose children are in distressing relationships. That being said, there are many things that I could have written, but this post would have been so much longer and a bit embarrassing for my daughter. In my parenting, I didn't do everything right; I did many things wrong. That being said, I'm not even sure where to start, so I'll start with the end.
My daughter's name is Naomi. She is 23 and happily married to the love of her life, Spencer. Spencer is a very loving and patient young man who loves her, his family, and Jesus with all his heart. They live on his parent's property in a cute "mother-in-law" type home, surrounded by a forest with my two cat grandsons.
Naomi has always had a huge heart for God. It was her idea a few years ago that she and I go on two 10-day mission trips to Chacalte, Guatemala, with a team from church. A trip that forever changed our lives. Currently, she is attending church every week. She ministers to the youth at her church and desires to return to Chacalte for her 3rd trip, where we are sponsoring two teenage girls.
It hasn't always been so wonderful for my daughter. She lost her way when she was 16. She met a boy we'll call Tim during her Sophomore year in high school. Tim was not the right fit for her. I'm not sure where he is now in his place in life, but back then, he, too, was trying to be an adult too early in life. They met at church. He convinced her to move out of our home and in with him. She loved him and wanted her independence, so she left in the middle of the night.
Tim was somewhat likable by his peers. We noticed he talked a lot and had high energy. You barely could get a word in, however. But something about him was off. We didn't like him. I tried several times to get to know him, but my intuition was speaking loudly that he was a little troubled and not suitable for her. You see, with the help of a pastor, I was able to realize that Tim was emotionally and verbally abusing her. He, too, was a victim of abuse, and he likely was taking his anger out on her.
Naomi's sweet disposition began to change. She was attempting stuff that she wouldn't normally do, pulling away from God, and she was angry. She began to bring up sins from my past to discredit my parenting.
My daughter moved out of our home three times while with Tim, twice in the middle of the night, against my best wishes. They'd break up but quickly get back together. My other daughter would come into our room to tell us she had left. The first time she moved out, I fought it. I wanted her to stay, but I couldn't convince her. She called the police because she had the right to her stuff since she was 18. The policeman came into our home, with her outside. I sobbed, and he 100% sided with me, but unfortunately, she was an adult. He tried to talk to her as a father figure but could not get through to her. She loved Tim. There was an instance when she came back home to pick something up. We tried again to convince her he wasn't suitable for her, but she didn't want to listen. When she came out of the house, I told her she wasn't welcome at home. I can still remember the look she gave me. The words still haunt me to this day. I have apologized so many times, but it was a bad mistake.
One evening, when she was living back at home, she was coming back from a church youth retreat. I kept expecting her to return, and it got later in the evening. I left a message on her phone. But, her battery was about to die. She did text and left a message that she was at the fair. She didn't say with whom. Her phone went dead. I waited and waited for her to come home. When it came time for the fair to be long over, panic sent in. The worst possible thoughts I could come up with flooded my brain. I went down to the fair to look for her after talking with a police officer on the phone. The parking lots were empty. She may have taken her girlfriend home, who lives at a distance. I realized later that this was not the case. At about 2 AM, her car pulled into our driveway, and I fell to my knees, sobbing. I was so happy to see her; she was okay. Yet, she had been with Tim!
Naomi had been hired to house-sit for my husband's coworker, John (fictional name), for a few days in the summer. The man had two Dobermans, a fantastic setup for the dogs, and an excellent security system. She was supposed to follow a schedule for the dogs, which included a strict diet and having them inside the house early in the evening. She decided to have Tim stay the night with her, and the dogs were left outside until, well, until I came over. We learned about her bad deeds when John called Brett late one night to let him know he could hear a man's voice in the house with Naomi. Remember I mentioned his excellent security system? John could hear everything said inside his house whenever there was an alert. To sugarcoat things, I went over there and scolded both their asses all the way back to drop Tim off at his father's house. John later mentioned to my husband that he would never want me to be angry with him.
We belong to a foursquare church and were at a worship night. I was also battling with another hard decision. We decided to get a dog and were trying it out. It was terrible timing to get the dog. The dog itself needed a therapist. I decided two things that night: 1. I didn't want the dog, and 2. I didn't want to be at the church that night. So, after a while, we got up and left. We walked out of the sanctuary, going the long way back to our car. We could still hear what was taking place inside the sanctuary. We all of a sudden heard a prophecy being spoken over a family that has a wayward daughter. It was about us! We stopped in the doorway to listen. It was a few minutes long, but she mentioned that she would be coming home. I was stunned. I have never had a prophecy spoken over me in my walk with God. Even though I had goosebumps, I felt my spirits lifted. Little did I know, her coming home wouldn't be instantly and without more struggle.
A few days later, I heard from God. He said, "You know what to do." I started reading scripture over her daily. I would pray, get down on my knees and face on her behalf, and dedicate Christian songs to her. I'd invite her over to talk and told her I loved her. Not only did I seek counseling, but I encouraged her to do the same, even though it meant my image of being a Theology student might be shattered. That didn't matter; her getting help was most important. I spoke with a woman from our church over the phone, and one of the most important things that she said to me was, "God loves her more than you do." He wouldn't let her stay in this condition, far out of reach for long. God was going to bring her back to Him.
One of the afternoons, I tried calling her, but she didn't pick up her cell phone. I just wanted to know if she was alright, so I grabbed my younger daughter and went to their place. What I saw peeking through the window was extremely disheartening. That wasn't her. I saw someone troubled, in a bad place, who wanted out. This was one of several times that I had to go looking for her, even very late in the evening, and it didn't always go without the police being called.
They would break up many times, and she would always run back to him. She was being pressured to stay with him: pressure because she wanted to live on her own, and unfortunately, he would use sexual coercion to pressure her to stay. Naomi was being manipulated emotionally. She felt threatened, belittled, humiliated, and was often talked into having sex.
I remember praying desperately that God would send someone she could be just friends with for now and quickly. So, this person could provide a distraction. And I told her, you keep going back to Tim; you keep holding on to him with all your might. What you don't see is that God has someone better for you, but you can't see it." She eventually dared to leave him for good. When she used her willpower to leave him, God opened the doors of heaven, intervened, and helped her. Then, in walks Spencer...
I have since prayed for Tim many times, and I genuinely hope that he, too, has had a touch from God, is in repentance, and is doing the will of God. We hold no ill will towards him.
A few months ago, she told me she was raised right. One evening about a month ago, she and Spencer came with us to a worship night. When I saw her worshiping God with her arms stretched high toward heaven, tears came streaming down my face, and I breathed out a sense of relief, knowing things were as they should be.
If you too have a child who has lost their way, never, ever give up. Keep telling them you love them, and pray. Give it all to God, because he too loves them more than you do.
National Sexual Assault Hotline Hours: Available 24 hours 1-800-656-4673 https://abuserecovery.org/
God is good
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